Life, Language and Inclusion Lessons from Survivor

Did you catch the hubbub on this season of Survivor when host Jeff Probst raised the issue of whether or not he should continue to use the phrase “Come on in guys” any longer? If not, I invite you to watch this short clip before continuing:

Why does it matter? We’ve said “you guys” forever, right? We know not everyone we’re talking to are actually “guys”, it’s just what we say - no one should be offended, right? I’m a woman, I identify as female, and if you’re talking to a group of people and I’m in it and you say “come on in guys” I don’t get offended. Maybe some people do. But let me ask you this:

Does it require someone to be offended for us to change and grow?

Have you noticed that the words used to reference people are often gendered in the masculine? “You guys”, “Dude”, “Bruh” - are all commonly accepted and used regardless of gender. Now, if I were to switch things up and call out to a mixed gendered group of people saying “Come on in ladies”, what do you think the reaction would be? If you’re male-identifying, I’d ask you especially to really pay attention to your initial reaction as the term “ladies” is often used as an insult when directed at a group of male-identifying people. A very recent example, in fact, on the heels of the recent playoffs loss of the Dallas Cowboys, one of my male friends (who is NOT a Cowboys fan), made a post on social media calling them the "Cowgirls". What's the message he's sending?

An article by Arianne Cohen recently published by Fast Company summarized a recent study that found the English language to be the 6th most male-career biased language among the 39 countries and 25 languages studied. Cohen states, “The results indicate that languages’ gender associations may partially shape (rather than reflect) people’s implicit gender biases. Pivotally, the researchers discovered that countries with high male-career gender bias also have low percentages of women in STEM fields, and fewer female students in STEM higher education.”

According to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center annual report, (page 11) women enroll in college at significantly higher rates than men, yet women are still significantly underrepresented in STEM careers and C-Suite positions. An article by Charlotte Cornbrooks cites a report that indicates women hold only 27% of tech jobs. Among other things, this article points to gendered and sexualized language used commonly in the tech industry. The article also references a March 2021 report in Forbes that indicates 50% of women leave tech jobs by age 35, a rate 45% higher than their male counterparts.

The annual Women in the Workplace report by Lean In & McKinsey & Co, shows that women & men join the workforce in entry-level jobs at about equal numbers – 52% men and 47% women. By the time they get to the C-Suite level (CEO, COO, CIO, etc.) the numbers are very different – 75% men and 24% women. And it’s very important to note that in both the women in tech and women in the workplace studies the numbers related to women of color were even worse.

Let’s back up a bit, now, to explore some of the origin of this problem. Experts agree that children develop gender biases as early as age 6, possibly even younger. A study published on Science.org that looked at emergent attitudes towards brilliance showed “At age 5, children seemed not to differentiate between boys and girls in expectations of ‘really, really smart’ – childhood’s version of adult brilliance. But by age 6, girls were prepared to lump more boys into the ‘really, really smart’ category and steer themselves away from games intended for the ‘really, really smart’.”

Is it possible that the prevalence of gendered language is part of what leads children to these early biases, which then can become beliefs that limit their abilities to realize their full potential?

While these studies reflect gender in terms of a binary, my interest in this topic actually began as I developed a new policy for our camps related to inclusion of transgender and non-binary staff and campers. (Note: for purposes of this post I will be using the term “non-binary” to refer to people who do not identify within traditional categories of male or female. Other words that are often used to refer to these individuals are “gender non-conforming” or “genderqueer”.) When the first openly transgender camper arrived at one of our camps, we were caught woefully unprepared. While in the end we were able to support and affirm this camper, I worried that our initial response - as we quickly tried to figure out what we were able to do - may not have sent as supportive of a message as we would have liked. This situation made it clear that we had some serious work to do, and I committed to having a policy in place before the next summer season began.

The development of this policy turned out to be a much larger project than I anticipated. It turned out that we were by far not the only camp in this position and I, a cisgender woman (cisgender = people who identify with the same sex they were assigned at birth) not feeling like an expert in this at all, had to start from scratch. I was fortunate to connect with some really smart folks with more expertise in this area and together we created a document that clearly outlined how we would support transgender and non-binary campers and staff. It continues to evolve as we learn and grow, but it’s been a great asset to the camps I’ve operated and I’ve gladly shared it with camps across the country to use as a base to create their own.

The topic of transgender campers and staff continues to be a frequent workshop topic at camp conferences, as it should be so we can ensure this population feels safe, welcome and included at camp. This work, though, got me thinking about the larger issue of gender bias, especially in light of my own experiences. As a woman, I've faced a number of situations where I was belittled, disrespected and treated unfairly simply due to my gender. I've come to believe there is a bigger picture we’re not addressing. For me it became a “we’re missing the forest for the trees” situation.

When we isolate just one group, rather than look at gender bias overall, I think we miss a larger opportunity. Most of us are likely aware, at least to some small extent, of the challenges that face transgender and non-binary people. We've been talking about the wage and workplace gap between men and women for years, so again, most of us are aware of those issues as well. We're aware, yet I don't see a lot of effort or encouragement to make change outside those individual groups, and maybe not always within those groups. As I considered this, I assumed it's likely because if it doesn't directly impact people, they are less likely to be motivated to help effect real change, which is where I started thinking about looking at this as the larger picture. Then I read The Achilles Effect: What Pop Culture is Teaching Young Boys About Masculinity, by Crystal Smith, and it all really clicked! There was one group we hadn't really been talking about.

Gender bias puts a different kind of pressure on boys and men. The Achilles Effect highlights the messages children, especially boys, get through media, pop culture, etc. about what it means to be manly. I had been frustrated when Christmas shopping for my young nieces that the toys I considered the “cool toys” often had pictures of boys on their packaging and not girls or mixed gender groups of kids. It hadn’t occurred to me that equally challenging, when shopping for boys, might be the fact that toys with dolls, or cooking, or household items would only have girls on the packaging. And while girls would be celebrated for playing with Hot Wheels or sports equipment, the same is rarely true when boys choose an Easy Bake Oven or Barbies.

In the midst of exploring this, a friend shared a screenshot of a tweet from someone who is a face painter. They shared a story of a young boy, maybe 4 or 5, who come to have his face painted. The boy wanted a butterfly, but mom was quick to say “no, that’s not what he wants”. The face painter tried to affirm the boys wishes saying they were happy to do a butterfly but the mom wasn’t having it. She even brought dad into the mix, saying something along the lines of “tell the face painter our son doesn’t want a butterfly”. And there it is. Think about the impact of this moment on this child’s perception of himself and others and the lesson he learned about what he is and isn’t allowed to enjoy.

Gender bias isn’t just an issue for the transgender community or for women or for non-binary individuals, in one way or another it affects everyone. Think back to my earlier comment about the impact of calling a group of boys “ladies”. Why does “lady” have to be an insult? What message does it teach children early on in their development? What about statements like “Be a man!” or “Man Up!”? What do statements like these teach kids about what is and isn’t acceptable about their behaviors or interests, or those of others, based solely on their gender, and how does this manifest itself into adult behaviors?

One of the biggest goals I have focused on in my career is building programs and jobs where individuals can discover and celebrate their truest selves. In terms of gender, I believe the best way to do that is to look at how we remove, or at least soften, the lines that put gender into a binary and instead just let people do what feels comfortable for them. But how do we do that when these biases are formed at such a young age?

First, let's go back to language. A big part of what I’ve taught camp staff over the years – for every part of how we do our work - is the importance and impact of the words we choose to use. When we say “come on in, guys”, who might we be excluding and what are we normalizing? What message are we really sending? There are so many other, non-gendered, ways to reference a group of people – folks, friends, peeps, wolverines, mateys, y’all – why wouldn’t we choose one of these other options? Language speaks volumes about who we are, what we value and how inclusive we are. I know this because of my own personal experience, because of the reactions of our summer staff when we trained on these topics and because of the feedback I received from parents of transgender and non-binary campers who noticed the small changes we made that helped them feel so much more included.

Next, especially for those of us in the youth development profession, it's time to interrupt the 'normal'. Remember, gender bias is formed as early as age 6, so for anyone working with school age kids or older, it’s already there. Our task, then, isn’t to “not create gender bias”, our task – our opportunity – is to interrupt gender bias and demonstrate and normalize a different reality. What do I mean by that? I’ll tell you more.

At most co-ed traditional overnight camps, I think we’d often find more girls at the crafts center and more boys on the sport court, with this often also holding true for staff scheduling. If we aren’t mindful about it, we might only ever schedule female-identifying staff to lead arts & crafts activities and male-identifying staff to lead basketball. And we might even say “but we schedule staff based on what they prefer to do”. Yes. And.....maybe they only prefer to do it because the messages they’ve received for much of their life say that’s what they are supposed to prefer. If camp is about getting outside of our comfort zone, it's got to begin with our staff. If we really want to interrupt this bias, both for staff and campers, let’s commit to scheduling male-identifying staff to lead crafts and female-identifying staff to lead basketball 80% (or more) of the time.

We might also say “but they don’t know how to do it”. Yes. And.....won’t it be great for campers to have the opportunity to see their young adult leaders – often superheroes to these campers - learning, trying new things and maybe even have the opportunity to teach the staff member something new?

You might be thinking “That’s great Bria, but I’m not in youth development. How is this relevant to me?”. I’m glad you asked! First of all, many of us have kiddos in our lives – kids of our own, nieces, nephews, godchildren, neighbor kids, grandkids. If that’s the case for you – guess what? You’re in youth development! And even if you don’t have kids in your life, this is bigger than just work with kids.

Take a look at some of these statistics: (Trigger warning: some of this information may be triggering to some people, please skip below the bullet points if this causes concern for you)

• A report published by the World Economic Forum in March 2021, indicates it will take 61.5 years to close the gender pay gap in North America.

• According to the Trevor Project National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health 2021 Report, 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered suicide in the past year including more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth. The same report shares that 75% of LGBTQ youth reported having experienced discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity at least once in their lifetime

• According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention report in 2019 men died by suicide 3.63x as often as women and this has long been the trend in the U.S.

Of course there are many factors that account for these statistics and I’m not here to oversimplify and say that if we just get rid of gender bias all this will be solved. I do believe, though, that we can't just sit back and do nothing and let these trends continue. I am confident that working to build a more open and inclusive understanding of gender as a spectrum rather than a strict binary will have a significantly positive impact on these important issues. Are you with me? If so, you may be thinking “Yes! I’m with you! What can I do?”. Again, thanks for asking. Here are some ideas:

• Pay attention to your language and work to make it more gender neutral. Some of this may be very familiar – as simple as switching from saying ‘fireman’ to ‘firefighter’ or ‘mailman’ to ‘mail carrier’. If so, find something new to work on - perhaps just switching from "you guys" to something else. (this is still a work in progress for me!)

• Especially if there are children in your life, think about the messages you are sending in words and actions and give them the opportunity to explore this topic as well. An example: You give your nephew an Easy Bake oven for his birthday. He says “this is for girls”. Take a breath. Ask him why he thinks that’s true. Just listen. Depending on his age, maybe you continue the conversation, maybe you let it go and make a mental note to yourself. Then maybe next time you’ve got some time in front of the TV with him, turn on one of Gordon Ramsay’s cooking shows (careful, some are less kid-appropriate than others). No need to argue with him, he’s only sharing the messages he’s been given. So just look for ways to show him other realities.

• Don’t gender the unknown. Have you ever noticed that when we talk about animals, fictional characters whose gender we don’t know, even stuffed animals, we almost always refer to them as ‘him’? Quick story – we have an inflatable dragon that we put up in front of our house at Christmas. (Because if you can have a 10 foot tall inflatable Christmas dragon, why wouldn’t you?) It has a tendency to fall over on windy days. The first time it happened my husband said “uh oh, he fell over” and I quickly corrected him, letting him know this dragon was a girl! She’s been with us a few years now and Matt gets her pronouns right 100% of the time! I could just as easily have given her them/they pronouns. In fact, if we don’t’ know – whether with creatures or humans – that’s probably a better way to go. It means we don’t mis-gender - which can be harmful - and it helps us, and others, become more familiar with using them/they pronouns. Which leads us to…

• Respect and affirm pronouns. In the English language we use pronouns to refer to people (and animals and imaginary/fictional characters) on a regular basis. For people, we usually use pronouns based on assumptions we make that are based on appearance, voice, etc. The problem is, these assumptions can be incorrect. An important way to respect people is to respect their pronouns, and this also creates a more inclusive environment. You can learn more about this important topic by checking out “Why pronouns matter” at mypronouns.org.

Let me share one other thought on this. I have found that we cisgender folks - myself included - in our early learning stages regarding this topic, sometimes respond to the ‘them/they’ pronouns saying something like “I can’t call a person them/they, it’s plural”. As someone pointed out to me, that's really an excuse, because we use ‘them/they’ when we are referring to a person and we don’t know their gender identity. That helped me get past it. It may or may not work for you, but really it’s up to us to get over it. If this is how someone identifies, then we respect them by using those pronouns.

• If you work in a leadership role, you can provide training to your staff or stakeholders on this important topic. For many folks it is a new concept and something they may struggle with, but simply talking about it begins to build inclusion, and reinforcing the training with action will help both solidify inclusion and begin to soften those binary lines. Not sure how to train on this topic? This is an area I’ve done a lot of training in and would be more than happy to talk with you about how I can support your effort.

• If you are in a position to do so at your place of employment, evaluate and update language on your website, promotional materials, staff training documents, policies, etc.

• Be an ally, especially to the communities in which you are not a member. Use your privilege to benefit those who don’t have it. Don’t let the 'P word' scare you away, it just means a benefit enjoyed by an individual or group beyond what is available to others. Often, it’s those voices and actions that make the change happen. So, in terms of equity for women, we need men to stand up and speak up. In terms of equity for transgender and non-binary people, we need cisgender people to stand up and speak up. And women, we need to remember what we learned from The Achilles Effect and be the voice that interrupts those “manly” expectations for men and boys. For more on what it means to truly be an ally, here’s a great article from Syracuse University that has 8 examples of how to be a good ally.

This was a long post. If you got this far, thanks for sticking with it! I learn more about this topic every time I talk about it so I’d love to continue the conversation and hear other ideas, questions or even arguments you have. Please email me at bria@ready2imagine.com to talk more. If we can remove the divide of the binary gender and the expectations tied to male and female, I am confident we can build a more welcoming, inclusive and safe world for all genders. So, to Jeff Probst, I say – thank you for bringing this conversation into spotlight. To Ricard Foye, I say thank you for taking a huge risk in resurfacing this conversation a little later. When we come from a place of seeking to understand and can respectfully have these sometimes difficult, but so important, conversations, I believe we make the world a better place.