They Can Do Hard Things - If We Teach Them

One of my mantras, which I learned from one of the smartest guys I know – Michael Brandwein – is “We Can Do Hard Things”. At the camps I operated we frequently used a fun training design of Michael’s to teach staff this mantra as well. Camp, after all, is never short on hard things. Some of the hard things I can remember include busses with campers aboard breaking down on a remote stretch of highway, changing a culture at a camp that was seeing drastic enrollment drops, and the time the pump broke and I got a face full of raw sewage at 11:00 at night. Camp may be the place that taught me better than any other place that I can do hard things. And in case I forget, there’s a sticker reminding me on my water bottle!

The problem with this mantra, though, is that only works if you really believe it, which I do. In recent years, though, I’ve seen a shift in both summer staff’s and camper’s faith in their ability to do hard things, and it concerns me. So I want to share with you some tips on how to help kids, and adults, learn to do hard things.

Let’s look at homesickness as an example. It’s a normal and common occurrence among campers and staff. Over the past 10 years or so it seems the amount of homesickness has increased and parents/guardians/caregivers, who used to encourage campers to push through, or push staff to honor their commitment, are now much more likely to come “rescue” their homesick camper or staff member. (Note: I’ll say 'parent' going forward, with full acknowledgement that there are lots of different caregiver situations for kids.)

I get it, a child is the most important human in a parent’s life and it is incredibly painful to see them struggle, be sad or scared, or to be faced with their tears. Often, even outside of camps, children are "rescued" by well-meaning adults who care about them deeply and don’t want them to face this pain, struggle or sadness that comes with doing hard things. Doing hard things, though, is a learned ability and a critical life skill. Let’s dig into the homesickness example.

Often on about day 2 or 3 of a camp session, we’ll need to make a call home because a camper is really struggling with homesickness. We do this to let the parent know and to partner with them in trying to help the camper successfully navigate this hard thing. We talk first to the parent and then pass the phone to the camper who, in most cases, breaks into tears talking about how sad they are and how much they miss home. Parents will usually ask them about the good things – activities, friends, counselors – but the camper will inevitably come back around to how sad they are and that they want to go home. It then goes one of two ways. The “rescue” or the “resilience”.

While the "rescue" has become more common, in my experience usually the better – and harder – response is when the parent tells the camper they won’t come pick them up. They do this with love and kindness, reminding them it’s just a few more days, telling them how proud they are of them, acknowledging that it’s hard and they are sad sometimes and that’s OK, and telling them how much they can’t wait to see them and hear all about it.

The “rescue” says “you’re right, you can’t do this, it’s too hard, I’m here”. It’s completely understandable, I’m not faulting parents one bit! The most important person in their world seems absolutely miserable and of course they would do anything to relieve that feeling. The “resilience” - which is just a fancy word for learning to do hard things - teaches a deeper lesson. It says “I believe in you, you can do this, I know it’s hard, and I know you’ll make it”. It reinforces the camper’s belief in themself, let’s them know they have been heard, and likely bolsters them to push through a little longer.

So I’m going to push you, if you’re a parent or someone who cares for children, to do some really hard things yourself. (Don't worry, helpful tips follow!) Please look for opportunities where you can safely help the kids in your life develop these important skills. This is a critical life lesson that will build skills they need to have for when hard things occur and you aren’t there to rescue them any longer. The more they practice, the more skilled they will become!

Please notice I said “safely”. In the homesickness example I’m not talking about extreme traumatic homesickness. I’m talking about normal homesickness that many campers and staff face at some point. If you’ve done your homework and chosen a good camp, you know camp is a safe place where staff are well trained and there is likely a team of folks helping your camper. Partner with the other adults in these scenarios. For the camp example, talk with the camp director to make a plan to ensure this doesn’t become traumatizing. Inconsolable homesickness is very rare, but can be traumatic. So, while we don’t let the child in on this because they’ll just focus on it, we need to work with the adults (camp staff in this scenario) to make a plan. Talk about when they should reach out to you again, how much of the hard thing is too much and set up a time to check back on the progress.

Examples of other opportunities for kids to build their “doing hard things” muscles could be signing up for a new sport or taking musical instrument lessons. Either of these will likely have moments that seem insurmountable to a child. These are great moments to remind them how good they are at doing hard things and push them to keep trying. As they succeed maneuvering through hard things, you can use those as examples to remind them what they can do.

LIFE BEYOND YOUR COMFORT ZONE

At camp, when thinking about emotional safety, we often talk about 4 zones – Comfort Zone, Growth Zone, Stretch Zone and Panic/Danger Zone. Our comfort zone is, as the name implies, where we are most comfortable. It’s when we are with our favorite people, doing our favorite things and little risk is involved.

In our growth zone, we lean into new activities and challenges and feel intrigued. This is likely where kids would be if they were starting, as mentioned above, a new sport or musical instrument if they were the ones who chose it. They are intrigued and interested even though it’s not currently in their comfort zone.

Challenges in our stretch zone may make us lean back a little and we might feel both excitement and anxiety. This is the zone many first-time campers are in. They’re excited to come to camp. Once at camp, they can name a number of activities they’ve enjoyed and new friends they’ve met, but sometimes – often in the quietest times like rest hour or bedtime – it feels like too much. It’s that combination of joy and anxiety that indicates we’re likely in the stretch zone.

In our panic or danger zone the fight/flight/freeze reaction kicks in. If children, or adults for that matter, are left in this zone too long without any support or interruption, the situation can become traumatic. Especially when caring for children, we want to make sure we’ve got plans in place, like the conversation with the camp director, to prevent sustained time in this zone, which can lead to lasting trauma and impact.

So, we have an understanding of the zones, now how do we use them to build this important skill in our kids? We use two important tools – recognition and reflection.

RECOGNITION

If we can recognize and name when kids are in their growth or stretch zones, it helps them understand what they are doing and shows them that we value and appreciate it. Some examples:

• “You made it through the whole week of camp! I know it was hard at times and you pushed through. You’re learning to do hard things and I’m so proud of you!”

• “Wow! I know you were really struggling with learning that piece of music. I’m so impressed that you kept practicing and didn’t give up. Well done!”

• "Great job! You finished the season even though I know you didn’t enjoy football as much as you’d hoped to. Way to follow through on something you committed to!”

For more on how important it is to name what kids do, and how this teaches them life skills, check out my friend Michael’s book “Growing Great Qualities in Kids”. It’s brilliant, a quick and easy read, and so important!

REFLECTION

Reflecting on an experience helps reinforce what is learned and better cements it into memories and understanding. One of the most important things we do at camp is to “de-brief” experiences. The same can be done anytime someone is pushing outside their comfort zone. It’s important for them determine what they got out of it, rather than being told by an adult or even another child. It’s about helping them process, so asking questions is key.

Good questions depend on the specific example, but can be questions like:

• How did you feel while you were doing that?

• Did you ever think you might not accomplish it? If yes – how did you push through those feelings?

• What was the hardest part?

• What did you enjoy the most?

• Was there anything that surprised you?

• What did you learn about yourself?

• If you had it to do over again, would you change anything?

• What was your favorite thing about it?

Try to be supportive of all of their answers. Just learning to reflect is an important skill, we want to make sure not to shut them down. If they say something that surprises you, or that you don’t agree with, don’t argue. Just ask them to tell you more. Try to understand their perspective and if needed, ask more questions.

Implementing the “recognize & reflect” practices will create a habit that will help you and the kids in your life continue to build these important “doing hard things” muscles and soon it will become second nature. Raising kids, or working with kids, is often a hard thing itself. Fortunately, we can do hard things! I’d love to know about hard things you or the kids in your life have learned to do and successes and challenges learning this skill. Feel free to leave a comment here or send me an email, I really am interested!