The Holiday Season - An Excellent Opportunity to Interrupt Gender Bias and Demonstrate a New Normal!

I don’t want to add any stress this season but I do want to give you a little something to consider, especially if there are children in your life. Our holiday ‘traditions’ can be heartwarming and bring back wonderful memories. Traditions, and habits of the holidays, can also deeply reinforce gender stereotypes and biases.

As I’ve shared in an earlier blog, gender stereotypes form as early as age 5 or 6 and they can do significant damage to all genders, whether it be girls believing they can’t do what boys do or aren’t as smart as them, or whether it’s boys learning about the “man box” – what it means to be a man – which can lead to negative health outcomes, suicide and violence. And the stereotypes that paint such clear pictures of what boys/men and girls/women should be and do further exclude anyone who either doesn’t align with these "shoulds" or doesn’t identify on either end of this binary.

Important note as we talk a little about biases - bias doesn’t have to be a bad word! We all have them. I have a bias for chocolate rather than strawberry, and a bias for pizza rather than seafood. The goal is to increase the awareness of our biases so we can help make sure they aren’t impacting our decisions, actions, beliefs or behaviors.

Please take a moment to think about your family holiday traditions. Who hangs the lights on the outside of the house? Who cooks the food? Who carves the turkey? Who gives the toast? Who hangs out in the kitchen or around the football game? If you find that the answers here are usually specific to one gender, that’s where you’ve got a phenomenal opportunity! One of the techniques I share most with folks working on this area is to interrupt our (and those around us) biases by demonstrating a different normal. Gender related biases form as early as age 5 or 6, maybe even younger, and they are reinforced everywhere we turn. Our opportunity, then, is to paint a new picture for the youth, teens and adults around us.

Here are some suggestions. If someone male usually hangs the outside lights, have one of the girls or women do it this year. They don’t know how? Teach them! Is it usually the women in the kitchen doing the cooking? If so, get the boys and men in there! And if your response is “but its OK because the men/boys do the dishes” – good job for interrupting the biases that men don’t do chores – but still change it up! If they don’t know how to cook a turkey or make stuffing, teach them! It is in these subtle moments that we don’t even think about that we teach the children around us “what men do” and “what women do”.

This season is also often a time of gift giving, so let’s dig into that a little. As we know, many toys, and clothes for that matter, are gendered. One study found that “girls’ toys were associated with physical attractiveness, nurturing, and domestic skill, whereas boys’ toys were rated as violent, competitive, exciting, and somewhat dangerous. The toys rated as most likely to be educational and to develop children’s physical, cognitive, artistic, and other skills were typically categorized as neutral or moderately masculine.” The study concluded that “strongly gender-typed toys appear to be less supportive of optimal development than neutral or moderately gender-typed toys.”

We have an opportunity to be thoughtful as we choose gifts for the kids in our lives (and the adults as well). It’s possible we are already more aware of this in terms of what gifts we give girls as there is often a focus on getting girls out of their little pink box, so to speak. If so, we can likely still do better. Now, what about boys? Getting them out of their little blue box isn’t thought about nearly as often, so how can we demonstrate a new normal here?

I am a fan of really working hard to interrupt these biases. They are so deeply ingrained, so I look for ways to upend them. If you’re willing to take that big of a step, here’s a suggestion on how to do that with holiday shopping. Simply google or search on Amazon “toys for boys age ___” and use those results as a great list of toys for the girls in your life. Then do the same search for girls and look at those options for the boys in your life.

If you aren’t ready to be quite that bold, no problem. Just look for gender neutral toys. Here’s a great list of gender neutral options for kids up through Kindergarten. And for older kids, and a little more insight, check out this article from GoodTherapy about the shift Target made to gender neutral shopping in the toy section in 2015. There are some great gift ideas at the bottom of the article. Of course, if they've got their heart set on something more gendered, it's absolutely fine to get it for them! And then maybe get them something gender neutral or more common for other genders as well, it's a great way to expand their interests. They may not know what they're missing!

OK, so you’ve decided to take the bold step and give your nephew an Easy Bake Oven and he opens it up and gets angry or starts crying because “you got me a GIRLS toy!!!”. Welcome to yet another great opportunity! First, lean into his emotion. He’s upset. Genuinely tell him you are sorry he’s upset, give him some comfort (and maybe praise for sharing his emotions since that’s an interruption to a bias about how boys/men are to behave) and a little time to calm down. Kids simply can’t reason when they are upset - this is an entire workshop, so you’ll just have to trust me on this for now. Once he’s calm, tell him you’d like to understand why he’s so upset. Ask him to explain. Reinforce that you understand what he’s saying “So let me make sure I’ve got this right. You’re upset because I gave you a toy that you think is a girls toy, is that right?”. Again tell him you’re sorry he was upset by this.

You might share that you got him that gift because you thought he’d enjoy making yummy treats so he starts to see some positive about it. Important note – don’t tell him he’s wrong, that won’t help your situation. Ask him why he thinks it’s a girls toy, and why that is bad. If he thinks girls bake and not boys, see if you can think of an example of a time when a man in his life did some baking or was in the kitchen, or maybe find a baking show on tv that has men baking. (I highly recommend the Great British Baking show on Netflix!) Your goal is to understand his feelings and to try to get him to begin to consider another perspective. You may not solve this problem and may have to come to a compromise - "give it a try and see if you like it and if not, we can try to find something you like better (or I'll get you something different next holiday)" - but you've made a great start. And you're helping him build important critical thinking skills. Learning to question our assumptions and biases helps us reduce their impact and be more open to other ideas. These are exceptional life skill we can teach kids!

One other thought on this Easy Bake Oven example. Often when there is a strong reaction that boys/men can’t do something because it’s a girls/women thing, the root of this reaction is because things that are seen as feminine are typically valued less in society than things seen as masculine. This feeds into the bias that women are “less than”. As discussed in this article about the shift LEGO is making, parents and boys can be fearful of bullying if boys play with toys deemed “girls toys”. Making this shift, though, is incredibly important for a number of reasons:

• It allows boys to explore areas they might not have otherwise explored and in so doing, find new interests and develop new skills

• It reduces the stigma that things girl and women do are of less value

• It removes the line that creates a gender binary, making it easier for people who don’t identify on either end to be more included

So now, perhaps you’re thinking “geez Bria, this sounds like a lot of hard work and I just want to enjoy my holiday”. Yep, I get it. Kids are hard work. And we never get a ‘day off’ from them. They watch and absorb everything we do and say, and don’t do and don’t say as well. If a child makes a generalized statement that isn’t necessarily accurate and we don’t interrupt it, we have, in fact, reinforced that statement.

If you feel overwhelmed that it’s just too much, then I’ll ask you to do just two things:

• First, if you’re shopping for gifts for kids this holiday season, look for gender neutral options.

• Second, I’ll ask you to focus on just one topic for boys and one for girls.

For girls, I ask you to focus on self-esteem - which is appreciating and valuing yourself. We know that girls’ self-esteem and belief in their abilities begins to drop at an early age. Listen for language or watch for behavior that seems self-deprecating and grab those teachable moments to have those inquiring conversations. A great way to start the conversation is “I’m surprised to you feel that way, can you tell me more about why?” Then really listen to understand. It won’t be enough to say things like “that’s not true” or “no, you’re really good at …”, they won’t believe you. So listen and then to look for actual examples that interrupt that belief. If, for example, they say something like “I’m not smart enough”, listen - and then explain that "smart" shows up in many different ways. Sometimes it’s in being able to do math problems, sometimes it’s in being able to find new ways to do things, sometimes it’s in asking questions, sometimes it's in sharing their frustrations with people who care. Then share with them examples of when you've seen them being smart.

Extra credit opportunity! You now know this child doesn't believe they are smart. Be on the lookout for smart moments and note them in that moment. Be specific, and use the word “smart”. For example, a few days later you see this child come up with a completely different way to load the dishwasher that makes more room to fit things. You can say “wow, you came up with a completely different way to load the dishwasher which made it so we could get more things it, that’s really smart, thank you!”. Be specific, it will help them believe you.

One other thing, if you are a woman, be aware of what you’re modeling in your own actions and language. If you make self-deprecating comments, you are reinforcing those biases. As someone with a lot of insecurities myself, and who used to have a pretty self-deprecating sense of humor, I know this is hard work, but it’s important for them – and as it turns out, for us too.

Ok, so what do we focus on for boys? Well, the “Man Box” study looked at a variety of statements with regard to what it means to be a man. They found men who were more prone to violence or mental health issues more closely aligned with five statements. So, I suggest choosing one (or two or three) of those five. They are:

• A man shouldn’t do household chores

• Men should use violence to get respect if necessary

• A real man should have lots of sex partners

• A man who talks a lot about his fears, worries and problems shouldn’t really get respect

• A gay man isn’t a “real man”

So, if we’re looking for something to focus on for boys we can listen to language or watch behavior that shows alignment with any of these statements and again, ask those inquiring questions. In these instances it can be easy to be shocked or get defensive, but again, it’s important to ask them to share why they feel that way and help show them a different normal.

Another way we can focus on this list is by making sure the boys in your life are doing household chores on a regular basis and that men in the household are modeling this behavior. We can also focus through positive reinforcement when they do things like sharing with you about their fears or worries – “I’m so sorry you're worried about that and I’m so glad you told me about it! It’s really normal to have these fears and when you talk with me we can work together to help make you feel more safe”. Or if they avoid violence when someone else is becoming violent – “I’m so proud of you for walking away when they hit you (or tried to draw you into a fight)! I know it’s hard to not just fight back, but that’s the responsible thing to do.”

Yep, it’s a lot. And you might be asking why bother? Because we’re talking about the health and happiness of our kids now and in the future.

• We are seeing trends of significant decrease in girls’ self-esteem and confidence at the same time we're seeing a steady increase of girls partaking in self-harm, which is a leading risk factor of suicide or overdose. In one recent study, researchers found girls were partaking in self-harm three times more often than boys.

• Boys are taught to be men who are restricted to the man box which correlates with higher rates of suicide, poorer health outcomes and shorter life spans as adults.

• Gender is so strictly defined into this binary, gender expansive people have higher rates of suicide and self harm than cisgender people.

Beyond those important statistics, though, it’s also about creating a world where people can discover what their true passions, interests and talents are without being limited by preconceived biases and that, surely, will result in happier humans. I don’t know about you, but happier humans sounds like the best holiday gift we could possibly give!

As always, feel free to reach out if you want to discuss further and if you're looking to do some work in this area in your organization. This is some of my favorite work to help with!

Wishing you a safe, happy and healthy holiday season.